Pursuit to my happiness

Posts tagged ‘story’

Exerpt From a Love Journal

“It is a time to rejoice, for love is in the air,” the handsome man types” At least it is for me and my new lady. My name is Nathan, and I believe love comes with boundaries,” He takes the time to furrow his thick brown brows before rubbing his tired face. Nathan looks at his reflection and studies the new features on his face. He makes note of the worry lines pressing into his forehead and the forever-tired look on his face, despite how many long evenings he has spent in his bed. “Our bed” he corrects silently before sighing away his pain. He erases the entry and stares at a blank screen trying to make the feelings in his head come to fruition. “My name is not important. All you must know about me is that I don’t know what love is, and quite frankly I’m not sure if the love I have is satisfying enough”. Nathan takes a deep breath, his mind travels back to when he first met his lady friend Nochelle.

Nathan is from Mobile, Alabama and has graduated from the University of Alabama with his doctorate in Social Psychology. He works from home working for his own medical journal that studies close personal relationships and publishes his findings in the journal, and this week his new burning topic is to use the knowledge he acquired from school and apply it to his own life. He met Nochelle at a weekend conference in Atlanta where he quickly discovers Nochelle earned her doctorate degree in New York where she was born and raised to become an Anthropologist. After a few sweet words on Nathan’s part and Nochelle’s sultry sex appeal the two quickly become an exclusive item; however, within the first year and a half of being together Nathan begins to see a slight disintegration in the relationship. Desperate, he tries everything he could think of to help “fix” the relationship: he takes time off from work and they vacate to the Caribbean where he showers the love of his life with unforgettable gifts, dinners, and mostly of all–the love they made on the trip was unlike any other time before. It was filled with passion, hunger, vulnerability, love, and curiosity. This did not bother Nathan, until the couple return to their home in Manhattan and the relationship takes a turn.

“I noticed other people staring in envy,” he continues to type “the way she moved, so confident and cool. Hell, I was envious! How could the woman I’m with provide so much warmth and confidence when I feel empty and distant?” After the return Nochelle tries her hand at helping her man regain his confidence in the relationship. She takes off work and stays home to care for him, but the more she tried the more overbearing she came off. “So I stopped touching her,” he admits with pain welting in his eyes “and I stopped loving her. I knew she has abandonment and neglect issues. I knew she needed my touch as affirmation, but to be honest I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, and it was killing me. I felt smothered to the point where her love just looked like I needed to father her, to coddle her. So I take a solo trip to my mother’s house in Mobile for two weeks. This is when things began to spin uncontrollably”. Nathan admits that he loves Nochelle and he even goes to see a therapist in Birmingham, but the discovery leads him to more than he had anticipated. “In the first interview my therapist asked me what I thought makes Nochelle loyal to me. I found this to be an odd question,” he smirks as he recalls the memory that replays in his mind “but I told him I think it’s our intimacy. When he asked what I considered to be intimate I told him in grave detail: She wants me to touch her everywhere, especially on the arms and around her ribcage because they’re so sensitive and she claims she can feel me. Then he asks me the strangest thing,” Nathan pauses and bites his full pink lips as he considers revealing the rawest question of his whole experience. He pours himself a glass of Scotch and waits to gather enough liquid courage to continue his project. “He asked me if I like to touch my partner, and I said of course! Then he asks why I had said ‘she wants me to touch her’ instead of ‘I love to touch her’. To be honest I could not give him an appropriate answer because, in all actuality, I despised touching Nochelle. She needs my touch, she’s so damaged and twisted because of her abandonment and neglect issues that there’s a lot of tough scar tissue to get around. So I don’t touch her. When he asked me why I don’t like to touch my significant other I told him flat ‘Because the thought of someone needed someone else’s touch so she can feel whole makes me sick.’. The words came out before I had time to stop myself, and…” Nathan pours his third glass of Scotch and downs the beverage savagely before clenching his fist around the glass. “No excuses” he tells himself out loud before repositioning his fingers on the keyboard again. “The next session the therapist opens the discussion by asking if I love Nochelle, and I said of course I do. He then asks if I am in love with her. I freeze. I tell him how all of my other relationships failed because I gave more than I received, that the women in my past have scarred me and I don’t need Nochelle to touch me to feel her love. He looked at me, his grey eyes are cold and mean, but he never dared to look away from me as he said ‘You will never be satisfied. She has given her all to try and love you, and the only thing you can focus on is that she’s special? What kind of a jackass does that?’ His voice was so stern, his tone was dead and serious, you know like how your parents did when they catch you stealing money from their wallet. At that moment I realized no matter how I receive love from Nochelle it will never be enough”.

There are three key elements for a relationship to be successful: passion, commitment, and love. You can add honest, communication, and faith if you prefer, but I like to keep it to the basics. How one receives love is important because both partners must be on the same page and they also must check in with one another to make sure they are on the same page. Love is beautiful, passion is intense, and commitment is sexy, but leaving one ingredient out of the recipe doesn’t make it the recipe anymore–it creates a dull disaster. If you ever feel you’re doing something for someone because they like it and you don’t recieve reciprocation, maybe it’s time to get on the same page.

Then I see your face I know I’m finally yours…you call my name, I come to you in pieces so you can make me whole

-Red

 

XO,

B

 

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Chapter II

I don’t know where to begin honestly. I’ve written and rewritten this post four times now and the emotions and memories I want to express are difficult to place into words. Time changes things, heals things and breaks things, but it also can better things. 

This is the first time in my life where I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’ve made new friends, strengthened older ones, forgiven past ones. I’ve found love, made love, and shared a part of myself I thought I never would. I’ve seen more of life, smelled it, tasted it, heard it, and touched its beauty far longer than my past intentions; but I didn’t go through turmoil and excessive pleasure to learn nothing. 

Whoever you bring into your life, or leave out, has a huge influence on who you turn out to  be. With some cropping, cutting, and pasting your life can go however you want it to. It’s your life; if you wish to lead an impulsive and fulfilling life–do it. If your desire is an enriching and stable life, go for it.The only one who can stop you is yourself. 

 

Do some re-evaluating on your life and see if this is where you want to be. Remember, you hold the pen, don’t let anyone hold the pen to your story. 

 

 

XO

Understanding The Feeling

As humans we place affection, care, and love up on such a tall pedestal , but why? We are the only mammals that require intimacy and affection in order to survive and we compile those feelings of closeness and affection and put it underneath the category called ‘love’. For years I felt something in me was missing but I couldn’t figure out what it was exactly. I knew I was jealous of people who had caring parents and I felt empty when people wouldn’t show me that same amount of affection; I now know that what I was missing was that affectionate care from my parents, but I didn’t necessarily classify it as ‘love‘. Love is the one emotion that has an interchangeable option; I knew my parents loved me, in some strange and dysfunctional way, but nonetheless I still knew. What I don’t quite understand is why I didn’t lump ‘love’ together with affection and care because even though I knew my parents loved me they didn’t show much affection and their care wasn’t deep. (dysfunctional thought for today ;))

As I grew older the feeling of ‘love’ was there because I have so much to give but not many people to give it to; then, my freshman year of college, I met my friends who I tested my love with. After realising that expressing my love and care wouldn’t hurt, and that they actually welcomed it with open arms, I began showing a deeper affection towards them. (You should have seen them when I hugged them willingly–priceless!) But it was only after opening up towards giving them affection and care and showing love did I make this link between the three; love is showing a deep and meaningful affection and presenting a solid and unconditional amount of care towards people, animals, objects, etc.. 
You cannot have love without heartache though, yes? After becoming somewhat comfortable with this idea of love I wanted more; I wanted to have someone love me back just as much as I wanted to love them, and I was ready to share it. However, with love comes some sort of form of commitment, and since I am a settle-down type of individual it’s hard to find someone who matches my page. Though I am not officially committed to anyone I have attachments to some people who have earned my affections and other people who I have opened up to and the emotional bond there is unbreakable–therefore leading to a nagging, bothersome feeling on my part. Love is thin, love is penetrable; love is the illusion I wanted to desperately feel in order to seem like I existed. This emotion makes people feel alive just as much as it makes people feel misery, and I definitely feel and understand why that is.

We need love. We crave love. We desire love; but obtaining it, in today’s society, is far harder than what it used to be sixty years ago.

Is it even worth the hunt anymore?

 

Half-shirts, exposed midrifts, and alcohol

There is a three hour shift I’m covering for someone and I’m only on the first hour…But I have an entire house to myself? There isn’t really any alcohol. I kind of lied. I should apologize for leading you on…

Anyway, had this crazy dream last night. There was a lot of sex going on and, to be frank, I’m not too sure why? Maybe it’s my subconscious talking to me in my dreams.

It started off with this guy, whose name I shall keep confidential just in case he reads this, talking to me about strange things. Very strange things. When he wasn’t telling me about the strange dreams he had been having he wasn’t saying a word. Nothing. When someone goes from talkative to silent it makes ones brow rise, well mine did at least. I couldn’t help but ask him why he had silenced and his answer was he was listening to the silence and interpreting it into a message that individuals usually overlook. By this time I’m completely confused and I don’t know what to really say, so I just sit and go off into my own thoughts. He watches me, I can feel his gaze shift to my body, and makes mental notes on how my entire body language is blank. He can’t tell what I’m thinking, when I wasn’t really thinking about anything in particular, he can’t get what I’m feeling. I’m blank. It skips to he and I on a couch and we’re laying down. He gets up to use the bathroom and I leave to go into a bedroom, I lay back down. When he comes back in he lays down and he holds me from behind but I insist that I spoon him. (I’m not sure why I feel that’s important but something tells me that it is). He’s reluctant about it but he finally allows me to hold him, which is strange because I then became silent?

Somehow that turned into wandering hands. Darkness and an attractive, loving man seems to do things to my mind.

After that I don’t really remember what happens next, it just kind of blanks out. Maybe I’m turning into a typical gal, maybe I’m becoming one of those girls who complain when she hasn’t gotten laid in two weeks.

Haha…self-joke.

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