Pursuit to my happiness

Posts tagged ‘love’

Exerpt From a Love Journal

“It is a time to rejoice, for love is in the air,” the handsome man types” At least it is for me and my new lady. My name is Nathan, and I believe love comes with boundaries,” He takes the time to furrow his thick brown brows before rubbing his tired face. Nathan looks at his reflection and studies the new features on his face. He makes note of the worry lines pressing into his forehead and the forever-tired look on his face, despite how many long evenings he has spent in his bed. “Our bed” he corrects silently before sighing away his pain. He erases the entry and stares at a blank screen trying to make the feelings in his head come to fruition. “My name is not important. All you must know about me is that I don’t know what love is, and quite frankly I’m not sure if the love I have is satisfying enough”. Nathan takes a deep breath, his mind travels back to when he first met his lady friend Nochelle.

Nathan is from Mobile, Alabama and has graduated from the University of Alabama with his doctorate in Social Psychology. He works from home working for his own medical journal that studies close personal relationships and publishes his findings in the journal, and this week his new burning topic is to use the knowledge he acquired from school and apply it to his own life. He met Nochelle at a weekend conference in Atlanta where he quickly discovers Nochelle earned her doctorate degree in New York where she was born and raised to become an Anthropologist. After a few sweet words on Nathan’s part and Nochelle’s sultry sex appeal the two quickly become an exclusive item; however, within the first year and a half of being together Nathan begins to see a slight disintegration in the relationship. Desperate, he tries everything he could think of to help “fix” the relationship: he takes time off from work and they vacate to the Caribbean where he showers the love of his life with unforgettable gifts, dinners, and mostly of all–the love they made on the trip was unlike any other time before. It was filled with passion, hunger, vulnerability, love, and curiosity. This did not bother Nathan, until the couple return to their home in Manhattan and the relationship takes a turn.

“I noticed other people staring in envy,” he continues to type “the way she moved, so confident and cool. Hell, I was envious! How could the woman I’m with provide so much warmth and confidence when I feel empty and distant?” After the return Nochelle tries her hand at helping her man regain his confidence in the relationship. She takes off work and stays home to care for him, but the more she tried the more overbearing she came off. “So I stopped touching her,” he admits with pain welting in his eyes “and I stopped loving her. I knew she has abandonment and neglect issues. I knew she needed my touch as affirmation, but to be honest I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, and it was killing me. I felt smothered to the point where her love just looked like I needed to father her, to coddle her. So I take a solo trip to my mother’s house in Mobile for two weeks. This is when things began to spin uncontrollably”. Nathan admits that he loves Nochelle and he even goes to see a therapist in Birmingham, but the discovery leads him to more than he had anticipated. “In the first interview my therapist asked me what I thought makes Nochelle loyal to me. I found this to be an odd question,” he smirks as he recalls the memory that replays in his mind “but I told him I think it’s our intimacy. When he asked what I considered to be intimate I told him in grave detail: She wants me to touch her everywhere, especially on the arms and around her ribcage because they’re so sensitive and she claims she can feel me. Then he asks me the strangest thing,” Nathan pauses and bites his full pink lips as he considers revealing the rawest question of his whole experience. He pours himself a glass of Scotch and waits to gather enough liquid courage to continue his project. “He asked me if I like to touch my partner, and I said of course! Then he asks why I had said ‘she wants me to touch her’ instead of ‘I love to touch her’. To be honest I could not give him an appropriate answer because, in all actuality, I despised touching Nochelle. She needs my touch, she’s so damaged and twisted because of her abandonment and neglect issues that there’s a lot of tough scar tissue to get around. So I don’t touch her. When he asked me why I don’t like to touch my significant other I told him flat ‘Because the thought of someone needed someone else’s touch so she can feel whole makes me sick.’. The words came out before I had time to stop myself, and…” Nathan pours his third glass of Scotch and downs the beverage savagely before clenching his fist around the glass. “No excuses” he tells himself out loud before repositioning his fingers on the keyboard again. “The next session the therapist opens the discussion by asking if I love Nochelle, and I said of course I do. He then asks if I am in love with her. I freeze. I tell him how all of my other relationships failed because I gave more than I received, that the women in my past have scarred me and I don’t need Nochelle to touch me to feel her love. He looked at me, his grey eyes are cold and mean, but he never dared to look away from me as he said ‘You will never be satisfied. She has given her all to try and love you, and the only thing you can focus on is that she’s special? What kind of a jackass does that?’ His voice was so stern, his tone was dead and serious, you know like how your parents did when they catch you stealing money from their wallet. At that moment I realized no matter how I receive love from Nochelle it will never be enough”.

There are three key elements for a relationship to be successful: passion, commitment, and love. You can add honest, communication, and faith if you prefer, but I like to keep it to the basics. How one receives love is important because both partners must be on the same page and they also must check in with one another to make sure they are on the same page. Love is beautiful, passion is intense, and commitment is sexy, but leaving one ingredient out of the recipe doesn’t make it the recipe anymore–it creates a dull disaster. If you ever feel you’re doing something for someone because they like it and you don’t recieve reciprocation, maybe it’s time to get on the same page.

Then I see your face I know I’m finally yours…you call my name, I come to you in pieces so you can make me whole







Just A Reminder:

My friend wrote this letter to me and I hope it can benefit you as well. Enjoy!

You can only control yourself. You’re okay–you ARE okay. Where you are is in a place where you’re learning to drop your armor. You’re humble, beautiful, smart, bright, structured and very loving. Don’t forget that even though you can feel other people you don’t have to make their problem your problem. Love yourself. 

Love is patient. Love is kind- Macklemore




This week: Forgiveness

Whoa, it’s been ages since I’ve posted in this thing! The inspiration to vent or write online just hasn’t tickled my fancy, until now anyway. (I’m supposed to be doing homework–go figure).

There has been so much that’s happened in my life since the last post, but I’m not here to catch you up I’m here to tell you all how I need to forgive a LOT of people.

I thought I had the capacity to love everyone, to be there for the ones I care about unconditionally and undividedly; turns out, I was doing a shitty job of that. I was only half-listening all these years because I still had a part of my “armor” (defenses) on. I wore them everywhere. I wore them when meeting my friends freshman year of college, and even before then! Hell, for as far back as my memory can recall it’s just been us–my armor and I. 

That had to go.

Since getting with my boyfriend I’ve realised just how much I still needed to do for the people I love, including making time to love myself. I didn’t know what love was because my home-life didn’t include love, affection or positive emotions, so I was basically doing the best I could with what I had to work with. I still held dearly what people did to hurt me, therefore not allowing them to see “me”. I’ve lost many friends over this, and I want to apologize to you for not being able to see what I was doing wrong. I see it now, and I hate it’s too late, but I’ve learned to let go of that armor. I’ve learned to let go of the pain you made me feel, the words that stung so badly, and the internal damage I’ve wrecked upon myself. 

I still love you all, that will never change.

But learning to let go of my defenses has also helped me forgive myself, too. I beat myself up to the point where I’m unrecognisable to myself, and that isn’t fair to the ones who love and care about me. I’m getting better at it, I’m my biggest challenge yet, but within time I will be healthy for the first time in my life. No more temporary fixes, no more beating myself up and defending myself when there is no need for defenses. I’m just me.

When you meet me now you will only see the real me. 

“What you see is what you get”




Late Night Thoughts

Hello all? Hi? 
Anyone up at such an hour? This stuffy nose is devilishly keeping my mind cranking.


Ever thought about what you want your life to be like? Who do you want to be in it? Where would you like to be? Who would you prefer to become? What do you want to accomplish? How would you want to spend the rest of your days? I’ve come to realise that at some point this is exactly what I wanted; I wanted to be someone who helped people, I wanted to do research and be happy with finding solutions. I wanted to chase someone who is worth the chase, I wanted a hand full of friends that I know I can count on, I want my siblings to have a beautiful relationship with me, etc., but for some reason today I didn’t feel like this was ‘enough’.

I talked with a good friend of mine, Will, and we talked about our philosophies on life. He said that life is a journey so why would you want to suffer through such a scenic and beautiful path? I agreed with him; Life is a journey. Life is this clusterfuck of emotions, memories, laughs, cries, love, pain, contentment, happiness, depression, passion, sex, intimacy, and a whole lot more–so why wouldn’t you want to choose who and what goes on your journey to make your experience beautiful? It was only moments ago that I realised that I love my life. Today could have been the worst day ever due to car accidents, stress, work, sleep deprivation, sickness, and an empty feeling, but instead I realise that it’s all just a part of life’s journey. I have loyal and amazing friends who make me smile on a day to day basis and I LOVE smiling. I have three or four families I know I can count on if I need something. I am blessed enough to forgive people I’ve hated from years ago. I have the ideal man in my head and I know he exists. I have a dog who gives me kisses! Who doesn’t like dog kisses???? I have a brain that I’m content with and a body I’m beginning to love–even with the self-inflicted scars. 

The point to these fragmented paragraphs are this: I know you know we know where you want to be, so let me help you get there.


Thanksgiving Revelation

I am, ultimately, very grateful for this year of 2012. So much has happened to me this year but all of which I had once wished would happen—it’s just that all of my wishes has hit me all this year instead of spread out throughout the year. I’ve been able to express myself through my body, through words, constructively channel anger and feel happy with no regrets. I have been able to feel! I know what being in love is like, I know what heart break feels like, I know what pure anger feels like, and I know what happiness, my happiness, is like. Extraordinary! Never thought I’d be able to feel this much and I am truly blessed. Thank everyone that has come into my life and taught me something, I owe you my gratitude. ❤


“It wasn’t just a regular kiss, it was that intense kind where I straddled him and my hands get lost in his hair…”

More up later.


Understanding The Feeling

As humans we place affection, care, and love up on such a tall pedestal , but why? We are the only mammals that require intimacy and affection in order to survive and we compile those feelings of closeness and affection and put it underneath the category called ‘love’. For years I felt something in me was missing but I couldn’t figure out what it was exactly. I knew I was jealous of people who had caring parents and I felt empty when people wouldn’t show me that same amount of affection; I now know that what I was missing was that affectionate care from my parents, but I didn’t necessarily classify it as ‘love‘. Love is the one emotion that has an interchangeable option; I knew my parents loved me, in some strange and dysfunctional way, but nonetheless I still knew. What I don’t quite understand is why I didn’t lump ‘love’ together with affection and care because even though I knew my parents loved me they didn’t show much affection and their care wasn’t deep. (dysfunctional thought for today ;))

As I grew older the feeling of ‘love’ was there because I have so much to give but not many people to give it to; then, my freshman year of college, I met my friends who I tested my love with. After realising that expressing my love and care wouldn’t hurt, and that they actually welcomed it with open arms, I began showing a deeper affection towards them. (You should have seen them when I hugged them willingly–priceless!) But it was only after opening up towards giving them affection and care and showing love did I make this link between the three; love is showing a deep and meaningful affection and presenting a solid and unconditional amount of care towards people, animals, objects, etc.. 
You cannot have love without heartache though, yes? After becoming somewhat comfortable with this idea of love I wanted more; I wanted to have someone love me back just as much as I wanted to love them, and I was ready to share it. However, with love comes some sort of form of commitment, and since I am a settle-down type of individual it’s hard to find someone who matches my page. Though I am not officially committed to anyone I have attachments to some people who have earned my affections and other people who I have opened up to and the emotional bond there is unbreakable–therefore leading to a nagging, bothersome feeling on my part. Love is thin, love is penetrable; love is the illusion I wanted to desperately feel in order to seem like I existed. This emotion makes people feel alive just as much as it makes people feel misery, and I definitely feel and understand why that is.

We need love. We crave love. We desire love; but obtaining it, in today’s society, is far harder than what it used to be sixty years ago.

Is it even worth the hunt anymore?


%d bloggers like this: