Pursuit to my happiness

Posts tagged ‘life’

Life As An Empath

Greetings all! Welcome to my UNI-verse. 

 

Do you ever feel like you have a large emotional work load? Are you exhausted after being around a lot of people, or just from specific people? Can you feel their energy through your body and mistake it to be your own energy? If you answered yes then chances are you are an empath. 

It’s hard to be an empath. For my experience I’ve realized those I value most are the ones that drain me the most–but it’s only when s/he is in a “dark place”. If I see someone I know is in any sort of pain I absorb their energy and slowly ingest it into my soul until that person’s dark place is over–and then I experience the dark place. Dark places for me isn’t just like any kind of dark place, it sends me to awful places in my mind. The distance I create with others and the silence of my lips clearly shows I’m not in my place. Yesterday my significant other was in a very dark place, and had been most of the day. I was silent as I watched him, felt him, and surely absorbed his energy before establishing a distance between me and the rest of the world. My usual chatty self hasn’t spoken a word since the last time I asked if he was okay; however, he finally opened up to me about why he was in a dark place. 

It was tragic to feel just how hurt he was, and the tribulations that have onset to me was now embedded in my soul. Tagging me. Nagging me to rid of his sorrow and hold it for him. To destroy it for him. When it comes to my significant other all other rules I have vanish–he’s my exception to the rule, and everything else goes out the window. I could feel the pain and anguish of the memory he later described to me in such a vivid detail it made me stop breathing for a moment. I never knew this person he was talking about, never knew she existed until last night, but I felt her. I could feel his friend’s pain as she struggled for her last breath before someone had taken it for her. This feeling made my world grow black and the pain sucked me right back into that cyclical black hole. 

It pains me knowing the strength of the powerful negative emotions I feel from people, close or stranger, will always affect me. I have yet to establish strong boundaries to keep my energy from depleting and solely running off the strong and pained energy of others. It’s cyclical and destructive. How do you stop? For years the more I ask this question the deeper my empathy runs; kind of counterproductive, eh? 

Is there anyone else like me?

 

XO,

B

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The Desperate Housewife

Hello all,

Tonight is not a post about catching up, it’s a post about reflection. Since I’ve been out of school I’ve had a LOT of time to think about what life can do to a person when he or she is faced with life-altering decisions. On this adventure I’ve been catching up on the series Desperate Housewives (addicting!) and relating their seemingly perfect and planned lives to mine. I thought I had a plan, I thought that being a housewife was basic, but it isn’t. Life doesn’t have a plan because anything can happen, and even though I’m not a housewife I have responsibilities and tasks that I must accomplish so I can feel like something. Anywho, one episode in particular got me thinking about my life. There’s an episode when Lynette and Tom separate, Bree lives in the moment, Susan realizes she is loved by many, and Gabrielle faces her fears. I learned something from  each of these characters.

Living in the moment is something that many people can do but don’t do because of its risk, well at least that’s how I see it. I’m not a professional, I have minimal empirical evidence, but living in the moment is scary isn’t it? I mean, you are putting your ALL on the table for anyone to see, leaving your fate in the hands of someone else. But that’s the beauty of it, yes? You don’t ever know what or who may surprise you with what they will do. She was alive and felt weak, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I always thought it was a bad thing until today, but what I learned is that when you live in the moment you’re not afraid to be vulnerable. When you accept your fate, your fight all of a sudden becomes slight work.

Facing your fears is hard to do, most are afraid to do it because they are afraid of the outcome. Watching the character Gabrielle face her abuser in this episode was inspiring and terrifying at the same time. Anyone can hold power and certainly anyone can hide behind a weapon of choice, but the person who has the courage to face their fear holds the true power. Even the strongest person can fall, but even the vulnerable can surprise you with their strength.

Love was once foreign to me. I thought silence meant betrayal and shouting led to abandonment, but that isn’t always the case. As I’ve gone through semester after semester of school I’ve realized that people show their love and care in a variety of ways. When you give so much to people I think it’s hard for that person to accept that same loving gesture from someone else because they’re so used to being the “giver”. Even the giver needs love and a reminder that he or she is loved, and when I saw that Susan’s friends all had come together for her in her honor it made me think, “Wow, they must really care”, but I stopped. They take the time to appreciate one another, even with their own individual drama going on and I haven’t been paying that tribute to the people in my life. I used to be the one to cater to my friends’ needs far before tending to my own, and once I felt that was being taken for granted I grew silent and self-absorbed. I forgot the essence of giving, and even though I have been distant I never stopped caring. I guess I just needed another perspective…

Finally, the biggest lesson I’ve learned. Control is something I’ve never had, but order is something I crave. Lynette understood this and depicted what I felt to an obtuse degree, but there’s something that happened to Lynette and Tom that I won’t allow myself to go through. They gave in when things got too tough because they were unwilling to bend for one another. She needed control, he needed order, but yet they both suffered. I realized that in order to flourish in any relationship there needs to be compromise, regardless of what the other person says. For once in my life my heart stopped when I saw her and Tom going through their marital struggles, and it made me realize that even the longest relationships can To be strong one must have peace, love, and harmony, and only when these three are in a perfect balance is when life is at its peak of happiness. 

I’m not a housewife, I don’t have a house in the suburbs with children and a marriage to work on; however, I do know that I am human, and I have to work on maintaining peace, harmony, and love in order to have a genuine happiness. I was desperate for an answer, and after today I believe God has given me insight through the simplest form  of today’s modern society: a television show. Who would have thunk it, eh?

 

XO,

B

This week: Forgiveness

Whoa, it’s been ages since I’ve posted in this thing! The inspiration to vent or write online just hasn’t tickled my fancy, until now anyway. (I’m supposed to be doing homework–go figure).

There has been so much that’s happened in my life since the last post, but I’m not here to catch you up I’m here to tell you all how I need to forgive a LOT of people.

I thought I had the capacity to love everyone, to be there for the ones I care about unconditionally and undividedly; turns out, I was doing a shitty job of that. I was only half-listening all these years because I still had a part of my “armor” (defenses) on. I wore them everywhere. I wore them when meeting my friends freshman year of college, and even before then! Hell, for as far back as my memory can recall it’s just been us–my armor and I. 

That had to go.

Since getting with my boyfriend I’ve realised just how much I still needed to do for the people I love, including making time to love myself. I didn’t know what love was because my home-life didn’t include love, affection or positive emotions, so I was basically doing the best I could with what I had to work with. I still held dearly what people did to hurt me, therefore not allowing them to see “me”. I’ve lost many friends over this, and I want to apologize to you for not being able to see what I was doing wrong. I see it now, and I hate it’s too late, but I’ve learned to let go of that armor. I’ve learned to let go of the pain you made me feel, the words that stung so badly, and the internal damage I’ve wrecked upon myself. 

I still love you all, that will never change.

But learning to let go of my defenses has also helped me forgive myself, too. I beat myself up to the point where I’m unrecognisable to myself, and that isn’t fair to the ones who love and care about me. I’m getting better at it, I’m my biggest challenge yet, but within time I will be healthy for the first time in my life. No more temporary fixes, no more beating myself up and defending myself when there is no need for defenses. I’m just me.

When you meet me now you will only see the real me. 

“What you see is what you get”

 

XO,

B

Chapter II

I don’t know where to begin honestly. I’ve written and rewritten this post four times now and the emotions and memories I want to express are difficult to place into words. Time changes things, heals things and breaks things, but it also can better things. 

This is the first time in my life where I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’ve made new friends, strengthened older ones, forgiven past ones. I’ve found love, made love, and shared a part of myself I thought I never would. I’ve seen more of life, smelled it, tasted it, heard it, and touched its beauty far longer than my past intentions; but I didn’t go through turmoil and excessive pleasure to learn nothing. 

Whoever you bring into your life, or leave out, has a huge influence on who you turn out to  be. With some cropping, cutting, and pasting your life can go however you want it to. It’s your life; if you wish to lead an impulsive and fulfilling life–do it. If your desire is an enriching and stable life, go for it.The only one who can stop you is yourself. 

 

Do some re-evaluating on your life and see if this is where you want to be. Remember, you hold the pen, don’t let anyone hold the pen to your story. 

 

 

XO

Pursuit To My Happiness:

First post to this new year! Congrats to I? Haha! On to business, yes?

Over these past few weeks my mind has been on the go: thoughts of where I wanted to be- physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally- in life, what I value, where I need to go in order to achieve my goals of becoming the successful woman my Father has created for me to have, and who can help me get there. Now, this may not seem like too much thought, but stay with me and I shall explain myself (as always—detail oriented!)

Over the Christmas holiday I stayed with one of my best friends (which by the way I hope you all had a fairly pleasant one!), and staying with her gave me time to think. I thought a lot about where I, spiritually, wanted to be and where I needed to go to fulfill my spiritual self. While staying at my friend’s home church was a must, not that I disagreed with it, but I didn’t realise how much I really wanted to change myself until attending. It’s a Baptist, usually I deem myself to be a nondenominational, but figured to get my spiritual-fix the love of Jesus would still be felt the same, yes? Anywho–Once I stepped inside everyone greeted me with warmth and genuine love. The people were just beautiful, their ability to outreach to strangers and welcome them with such love just amazed me! I had never recieved that much love and welcome from a Baptist church before (and trust me I’ve had my share!) After the first session I had decided I wanted to get baptized at that church because it feels like home to me, it’s comfortable and relaxed and very nonjudgemental, especially in comparision to the other Baptist churches I’ve attended. This is what began my pushed along my spiritual journey, this is what gave me so many answers to the questions I had been too afraid to ask–I felt them. I’m not saying that this one church this one time has brought this along, nooooo I wasn’t THAT lucky! I’ve always been spiritually curious, jumped around from denomination to denomination trying to find my spiritual “home”, in search for some kind of answer to my multiple questions; this is another topic for another time though. After I left my friend’s home I found my peace and core without feeling I needed to sacrifice anything. This was a major step forward in the pursuit to my happiness.

In the midst of this spiritual awakening I began to think, “If I’m on this beautiful spiritual journey why do I still feel so melancholy on the inside?” Actually every other hour I found myself asking that question, but I had no reason to. I was in a more than loving home, no fighting, a great system of cooperation, unconditional affection and love, family time, and tons more of great and amazing things; and then it hit me–I’ve not ever loved myself. Being around negative energy your entire life can, ultimately, affect your psychological and sociological views later on in life. Many people go years, or their entire life, without realising how to change these feelings and outlooks into something beneficial for themselves. I’m beyond grateful that I had my spiritual side lead the emotional and mental side and show my brain that it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to take care of others just don’t forget to appreciate and love yourself as well. Not sure why that piece was missing for so long? After I accepted this and began to apply it, forgiving became so much easier! I can’t tell you how light I felt when seventeen years of weight was lifted away from my back and shoulders–it was amazing!

As for who I want/need in my life to help keep this strong mindset, that will be the difficult part I’m afraid. People come and go in my life—the ones who I feel can tolerate me the most end up despising me the deepest and we don’t end up being in each others’ lives anymore. For now I have four best friends and I pray that doesn’t change. I need all of the help I can get so I can give back to those who not only have helped me succeed, but to give to those who feel they is no hope for them. This is my goal for 2013—and to finally find a partner who will help me in the process. Too much to ask for?

This is the pursuit to my happiness.

XO

Late Night Thoughts

Hello all? Hi? 
Anyone up at such an hour? This stuffy nose is devilishly keeping my mind cranking.

 

Ever thought about what you want your life to be like? Who do you want to be in it? Where would you like to be? Who would you prefer to become? What do you want to accomplish? How would you want to spend the rest of your days? I’ve come to realise that at some point this is exactly what I wanted; I wanted to be someone who helped people, I wanted to do research and be happy with finding solutions. I wanted to chase someone who is worth the chase, I wanted a hand full of friends that I know I can count on, I want my siblings to have a beautiful relationship with me, etc., but for some reason today I didn’t feel like this was ‘enough’.

I talked with a good friend of mine, Will, and we talked about our philosophies on life. He said that life is a journey so why would you want to suffer through such a scenic and beautiful path? I agreed with him; Life is a journey. Life is this clusterfuck of emotions, memories, laughs, cries, love, pain, contentment, happiness, depression, passion, sex, intimacy, and a whole lot more–so why wouldn’t you want to choose who and what goes on your journey to make your experience beautiful? It was only moments ago that I realised that I love my life. Today could have been the worst day ever due to car accidents, stress, work, sleep deprivation, sickness, and an empty feeling, but instead I realise that it’s all just a part of life’s journey. I have loyal and amazing friends who make me smile on a day to day basis and I LOVE smiling. I have three or four families I know I can count on if I need something. I am blessed enough to forgive people I’ve hated from years ago. I have the ideal man in my head and I know he exists. I have a dog who gives me kisses! Who doesn’t like dog kisses???? I have a brain that I’m content with and a body I’m beginning to love–even with the self-inflicted scars. 

The point to these fragmented paragraphs are this: I know you know we know where you want to be, so let me help you get there.

XO

Gallery

Everything Is Much More Beautiful In Black and White

There are two sides to every coin, every story–every emotion. But what about those fuzzy unknown grey areas? Look at Yin and Yang; Black, always being seen as the more negative side of something, tends to darken and portray a very deep and serious side; however, white, usually the more positive and lighter side, tends to be the color that brings out the purity in something. 

But what happens when we mix these two complete opposites? We get that beautiful fuzzy grey. Oh how everything is much more beautiful when it’s in black and white.

-XO

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