Pursuit to my happiness

Posts tagged ‘blog’

Pour It Up

Greetings all who still blog. I welcome thee.

 

Have you ever wondered why we don’t stay consistent, and why we need to change so often? For example, take an animal. Animals eat, they interact, bathe, reproduce, and survive, but they are wired to survival mode because of the way their limbic systems are aligned. They cannot formulate speech or talk to us (with the exceptions out there ;)), but other mammals are happy not wondering or thinking of an abstract way to live–they just live like they’re wired to. So why do humans, the only animals who need love to survive, change so often? I say this in terms of changing in a relationship of any sort, say a friendship or a romantic one for example. If we find someone whom we connect with and share common ground with then why must we allow life to change us and take away from the person we was when we first meet different people in our lives? (This will make sense-somewhat!-soon).

I went to the doctor today to find out what the hell is wrong with me. I’ve distanced myself from all of my friends and sunk so deeply into myself only to find this bare and empty shell of old memories. These memories were so dear to me because of who I was when these memories were created. Now I’m nothing like that girl, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve just let life completely change me even though I’ve been very aware of these changes. Here lately I don’t like who I am because I’ve allowed life to change me in ways that I’ve never thought possible. Am I the only one who has thought about this thing called life? The doctor finally gave me more pills to shove down my throat and sent me on my way, but there’s a nagging feeling that no matter what medicates me I’ll still feel like a shell of old memories. I’m always changing and I’ve grown apart from so many ideas, thoughts, desires, people, family, etc. all because I’ve let life change me. I’ve grown tired and rusty at connecting with people, and to be quite frank, it’s only gotten worse as the doctors fill my bloodstream up with generic pills. Pills run my life now, isn’t that some shit.

I’ve come to realize that I will never be able to understand how I got here. Why I’m here. Who’s here with me, or against me. Not many make an effort to connect with me anymore, show love and appreciation. So I distanced and I look back quite a bit (I’m the type that doesn’t easily let things slide–a blessing as well as a curse) and wonder why I let life change me. I don’t have the answers and no one is volunteering to fill in the fuzzy areas. So I fill my body up with pills that now claim this soul named Brittney because I’ve allowed life to change me. When does this ride stop?

Sometimes I hate having such emotions because I can’t even begin to explain the HALF of what I’m feeling right now–except a touch of sorrow. So here it is, I’ve just poured it up. Hope your glass isn’t half empty.

 

XO,

B

Late Night Thoughts

Hello all? Hi? 
Anyone up at such an hour? This stuffy nose is devilishly keeping my mind cranking.

 

Ever thought about what you want your life to be like? Who do you want to be in it? Where would you like to be? Who would you prefer to become? What do you want to accomplish? How would you want to spend the rest of your days? I’ve come to realise that at some point this is exactly what I wanted; I wanted to be someone who helped people, I wanted to do research and be happy with finding solutions. I wanted to chase someone who is worth the chase, I wanted a hand full of friends that I know I can count on, I want my siblings to have a beautiful relationship with me, etc., but for some reason today I didn’t feel like this was ‘enough’.

I talked with a good friend of mine, Will, and we talked about our philosophies on life. He said that life is a journey so why would you want to suffer through such a scenic and beautiful path? I agreed with him; Life is a journey. Life is this clusterfuck of emotions, memories, laughs, cries, love, pain, contentment, happiness, depression, passion, sex, intimacy, and a whole lot more–so why wouldn’t you want to choose who and what goes on your journey to make your experience beautiful? It was only moments ago that I realised that I love my life. Today could have been the worst day ever due to car accidents, stress, work, sleep deprivation, sickness, and an empty feeling, but instead I realise that it’s all just a part of life’s journey. I have loyal and amazing friends who make me smile on a day to day basis and I LOVE smiling. I have three or four families I know I can count on if I need something. I am blessed enough to forgive people I’ve hated from years ago. I have the ideal man in my head and I know he exists. I have a dog who gives me kisses! Who doesn’t like dog kisses???? I have a brain that I’m content with and a body I’m beginning to love–even with the self-inflicted scars. 

The point to these fragmented paragraphs are this: I know you know we know where you want to be, so let me help you get there.

XO

Life Outside Of Sexual Attraction

Har Har all! 

A few things on the universe lately, and of course it pertains to those things that are sexual (it wouldn’t be so entertaining if it were something else, yeah? ;)) 

Sex. It’s something we all have, at some point, thought about, and/or engaged in; whether it be with yourself, a partner, or maybe even a couple of partners (for those with a wilder streak?) But why do some people place this act up on such urgent priority? I can understand the need to feel close to someone and the intimate details that sex involves, but can’t the closeness and the euphoria of sex be received from cuddling or maybe even sensual touch? 

What would happen if the urgency for sex was taken out of the equation, what would remain? Can you have a relationship without sex? If you can’t, ask yourself what it is about sex, other than it obviously feels good, that you can’t do without. 

I understand that sex is a natural process humans feel, but what I don’t understand is why people put such a high regard for it. I suppose this is the part where I should say “people have individual needs and wants” ? 

Random discussions with people leads to random blog posts. 

XO

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