Pursuit to my happiness

The Essential Reality …



Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.

~ Marianne Williamson

Artist: Jessica Swift

View original post


Ahmad Al Charif

wake up - ahmad al charif blog

Who are we really? Or more accurately, what are we?


Scientifically speaking, you start with the body, we are

View original post 567 more words

Zinfandel Dreams

Hello all! 

There’s some things I need to get off my chest, if that’s okay with you all.


I’m not quite sure who all reads me ramble about whatever is on my universe at the time, but I do know that I need to make some confessions.  I’ve been thinking for a year and a half what I need to do to be a better person; everything I thought of I either was already doing or was in the porocess of doing. That was completely wrong, not to mention selfish. I thought I knew my friends and family, and even though the advice I was giving was practical and logical it didn’t quite attune to their needs. Humans are emotional creatures and emotions was something I did not quite understand–until January 15, 2013, the day I began to formally understand the more emotional side to my self. It got me thinking about my friendships and the friendships I had lost. I lost a dear friend named Meghan due to my inability to understand her side of why she was mad. i lost another friend because I couldn’t handle how she dealt with her flirtation. It wasn’t fair for me to just cut these women off and I did it because I thought they wouldn’t want to talk to me, because since I was disgusted with myself I thought they would be too.

[This will be a minute].

Anyway, I’ve been thinking what could I do to change that aspect about myself because, if I may be frank, that’s a very unattractive aspect about me: I cut people off when they hurt me and expect them to be so disgusted with me that they wouldn’t care what happens to me. But that’s the thing with people, they still care even after they’ve been hurt. 

Over the past year I’ve lost a lot of people out of my life, some for the better for my life and some still causes my heart to sink. Because of this I began alienating myself from what I knew to be society and sank into a very dark depression; I was suicidal quite a bit and quite often because I didn’t feel like anybody loved me or cared about me anymore, there was a lot of drama in my life, my grades were poor, and my mind felt cloudy. My world felt like the foundation, the core of my very existence, was crumbling right beneath my feet and it felt like people were just watching it happen. Honestly, that is why I got so depressed, I felt like even though I was sinking nobody cared enough to pull me up, even after all of the things I’ve helped others with. I felt alone and my God I was so angry–not anyone in particular, I was just angry all the time and really resentful. 

[Bear with me].

I stayed with my sister over the Christmas holiday and spent a lot of time with my family, my dysfunctionally painful family, and it was then when I realized that I can’t be angry at people who don’t know what they’ve done wrong to hurt me–even if it was unintentional. So I began to heal for the very first time in my life, and my boyfriend has been my stable rock throughout the entire process. He’s helped me in ways that my friends never seemed to be able to, they enabled me, in a way, to keep behaving depressed and suicidal because they didn’t know how to help me. Shit, I didn’t know how to help me! 

[There’s a point to this zinfandel dream, promise].

So I sip on my wine and I contemplate how I’ve gotten to where I am. Through hard work, through the many people coming in and out of my life, and because of the people who love me–that’s how I got here. So, basically, if I’ve harmed you in some way I’m here to apologize and I’m looking for ways to contact those I’ve lost contact with because I’ve cut them off. It’s time for me to be the person I’m destined to be.





Remembering the Day

I taste your lips and remember when we first met.

I liked your smile as a comfort overwhelmed me,

that’s how I knew we’d be set.

There’s a reason why this memory makes me smile so,

it doesn’t seem that long ago.


We share a love that rouses an envy,

I pretend not to hear.

There is no one who can stop this you and I

for we do not shed one tear.


But as we age I notice there’s a change.

Nothing is certain but however we remain the same.

The world around is quickly falls in different ranges,

but as I taste your lips and remember when we first met

that’s how I knew we’d be set.


The Desperate Housewife

Hello all,

Tonight is not a post about catching up, it’s a post about reflection. Since I’ve been out of school I’ve had a LOT of time to think about what life can do to a person when he or she is faced with life-altering decisions. On this adventure I’ve been catching up on the series Desperate Housewives (addicting!) and relating their seemingly perfect and planned lives to mine. I thought I had a plan, I thought that being a housewife was basic, but it isn’t. Life doesn’t have a plan because anything can happen, and even though I’m not a housewife I have responsibilities and tasks that I must accomplish so I can feel like something. Anywho, one episode in particular got me thinking about my life. There’s an episode when Lynette and Tom separate, Bree lives in the moment, Susan realizes she is loved by many, and Gabrielle faces her fears. I learned something from  each of these characters.

Living in the moment is something that many people can do but don’t do because of its risk, well at least that’s how I see it. I’m not a professional, I have minimal empirical evidence, but living in the moment is scary isn’t it? I mean, you are putting your ALL on the table for anyone to see, leaving your fate in the hands of someone else. But that’s the beauty of it, yes? You don’t ever know what or who may surprise you with what they will do. She was alive and felt weak, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I always thought it was a bad thing until today, but what I learned is that when you live in the moment you’re not afraid to be vulnerable. When you accept your fate, your fight all of a sudden becomes slight work.

Facing your fears is hard to do, most are afraid to do it because they are afraid of the outcome. Watching the character Gabrielle face her abuser in this episode was inspiring and terrifying at the same time. Anyone can hold power and certainly anyone can hide behind a weapon of choice, but the person who has the courage to face their fear holds the true power. Even the strongest person can fall, but even the vulnerable can surprise you with their strength.

Love was once foreign to me. I thought silence meant betrayal and shouting led to abandonment, but that isn’t always the case. As I’ve gone through semester after semester of school I’ve realized that people show their love and care in a variety of ways. When you give so much to people I think it’s hard for that person to accept that same loving gesture from someone else because they’re so used to being the “giver”. Even the giver needs love and a reminder that he or she is loved, and when I saw that Susan’s friends all had come together for her in her honor it made me think, “Wow, they must really care”, but I stopped. They take the time to appreciate one another, even with their own individual drama going on and I haven’t been paying that tribute to the people in my life. I used to be the one to cater to my friends’ needs far before tending to my own, and once I felt that was being taken for granted I grew silent and self-absorbed. I forgot the essence of giving, and even though I have been distant I never stopped caring. I guess I just needed another perspective…

Finally, the biggest lesson I’ve learned. Control is something I’ve never had, but order is something I crave. Lynette understood this and depicted what I felt to an obtuse degree, but there’s something that happened to Lynette and Tom that I won’t allow myself to go through. They gave in when things got too tough because they were unwilling to bend for one another. She needed control, he needed order, but yet they both suffered. I realized that in order to flourish in any relationship there needs to be compromise, regardless of what the other person says. For once in my life my heart stopped when I saw her and Tom going through their marital struggles, and it made me realize that even the longest relationships can To be strong one must have peace, love, and harmony, and only when these three are in a perfect balance is when life is at its peak of happiness. 

I’m not a housewife, I don’t have a house in the suburbs with children and a marriage to work on; however, I do know that I am human, and I have to work on maintaining peace, harmony, and love in order to have a genuine happiness. I was desperate for an answer, and after today I believe God has given me insight through the simplest form  of today’s modern society: a television show. Who would have thunk it, eh?




Internal Demons

There are demons inside

who wait to make their move.

They stay in my heart and hide

until they decide it is time to move.


At any moment they strike whenever they please,

creating a constant hell inside my heart,

making it difficult for me to even breathe.

These demons are different, only coming out

when everything is perfect, just wrecking havoc

where they see fit. I know what they’re about,

who they want, what they want.

My battle is against myself, who will be the winner?

Do I get my freedom or will they keep me as their slave?

Taunting me, teasing me, that’s what demons do.

They toy with your head and your heart so 

you won’t have anyone or anything to support you.

Quotetastic Friday

%d bloggers like this: