Pursuit to my happiness

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Dark, Twisty Places

Hello all! Welcome back to the inside of my universe.

Allow me to vent for a little…on sliding back into the soul.

My soul has been full lately, and with great reason! I’ve visited family, had a chat with a close friend or so, my love life has been great…but lately the emotional toll that I hold back, the negativity I hold on to, has weighed down my soul. It’s in quite a dark place, a dark and twisty place.

Being around folks that require more energy than most do not bother me, however it is their negative energy they give me in return that is the most draining. Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel disconnected from your own emotions because you’re holding together the negative energy that eats away at you? I fall apart when I enter this dark, twisty place–and no one notices. I like to fall apart in the comfort of my own judgmental sorrow.

What do you do when you have nothing left in your soul to give, except the negative energy you’ve held on to for so long? As I fall apart I have to remember that I’m also putting myself together too…..all within time.

“Good things come to those who wait”,

XO,
B

Pursuit To My Happiness:

First post to this new year! Congrats to I? Haha! On to business, yes?

Over these past few weeks my mind has been on the go: thoughts of where I wanted to be- physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally- in life, what I value, where I need to go in order to achieve my goals of becoming the successful woman my Father has created for me to have, and who can help me get there. Now, this may not seem like too much thought, but stay with me and I shall explain myself (as always—detail oriented!)

Over the Christmas holiday I stayed with one of my best friends (which by the way I hope you all had a fairly pleasant one!), and staying with her gave me time to think. I thought a lot about where I, spiritually, wanted to be and where I needed to go to fulfill my spiritual self. While staying at my friend’s home church was a must, not that I disagreed with it, but I didn’t realise how much I really wanted to change myself until attending. It’s a Baptist, usually I deem myself to be a nondenominational, but figured to get my spiritual-fix the love of Jesus would still be felt the same, yes? Anywho–Once I stepped inside everyone greeted me with warmth and genuine love. The people were just beautiful, their ability to outreach to strangers and welcome them with such love just amazed me! I had never recieved that much love and welcome from a Baptist church before (and trust me I’ve had my share!) After the first session I had decided I wanted to get baptized at that church because it feels like home to me, it’s comfortable and relaxed and very nonjudgemental, especially in comparision to the other Baptist churches I’ve attended. This is what began my pushed along my spiritual journey, this is what gave me so many answers to the questions I had been too afraid to ask–I felt them. I’m not saying that this one church this one time has brought this along, nooooo I wasn’t THAT lucky! I’ve always been spiritually curious, jumped around from denomination to denomination trying to find my spiritual “home”, in search for some kind of answer to my multiple questions; this is another topic for another time though. After I left my friend’s home I found my peace and core without feeling I needed to sacrifice anything. This was a major step forward in the pursuit to my happiness.

In the midst of this spiritual awakening I began to think, “If I’m on this beautiful spiritual journey why do I still feel so melancholy on the inside?” Actually every other hour I found myself asking that question, but I had no reason to. I was in a more than loving home, no fighting, a great system of cooperation, unconditional affection and love, family time, and tons more of great and amazing things; and then it hit me–I’ve not ever loved myself. Being around negative energy your entire life can, ultimately, affect your psychological and sociological views later on in life. Many people go years, or their entire life, without realising how to change these feelings and outlooks into something beneficial for themselves. I’m beyond grateful that I had my spiritual side lead the emotional and mental side and show my brain that it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to take care of others just don’t forget to appreciate and love yourself as well. Not sure why that piece was missing for so long? After I accepted this and began to apply it, forgiving became so much easier! I can’t tell you how light I felt when seventeen years of weight was lifted away from my back and shoulders–it was amazing!

As for who I want/need in my life to help keep this strong mindset, that will be the difficult part I’m afraid. People come and go in my life—the ones who I feel can tolerate me the most end up despising me the deepest and we don’t end up being in each others’ lives anymore. For now I have four best friends and I pray that doesn’t change. I need all of the help I can get so I can give back to those who not only have helped me succeed, but to give to those who feel they is no hope for them. This is my goal for 2013—and to finally find a partner who will help me in the process. Too much to ask for?

This is the pursuit to my happiness.

XO

Relationship Endeavors

Hello all!

I come to you with, yes you have guessed it, even more contemplative thoughts that seem to constantly float around my mind. I don’t want to ask these questions to anyone specifically in case they grow tired or annoyed at me–with this you choose to read it. I’ve trapped you ūüėČ

Topic: Dating

For a moment think of someone whom you cannot live without; that closeness, the memories, those intimate secrets and feelings. Revel in that feeling, hold it close–now imagine if that person just left. No words, no goodbyes, and no warning you wouldn’t see this person again. Heartbreaking isn’t it? Stay with me for a little longer. Now imagine that you’re tired of waiting for this person and assume you want to try (try is the word of emphasis here) and move on from this person who abandoned you. Say you meet a few people, all of which have a certain charm to them but it isn’t quite what you’re looking for. Two people admire you physically–so physically you begin to think that they’re only around in case you decide to fuck him/her. The other two are shy and you share a somewhat deep emotional bond with but their mentality isn’t on the level you desire. So your pickiness has left you alone–that same empty feeling that reminds you of the day your loved one up and left. Yes, you feel quite lonely and empty, but you’re picky with your who you decide to give your heart to because you can’t afford another heartbreak. So you figure why not wait for the person to return? I mean, hell, you love him/her still so why not? Then you find out the person you’ve been waiting on has given up on you. Now I may ask: What do you do now that you’re all alone because no one seems to fit your seemingly high criteria?

Topic: Sex

Let’s have another rhetoric situation shall we? You find someone, a nice someone, and this someone is a decent distraction from your broken heart. You go on a date, this person is affectionate–really, really affectionate, and wants you to go back to his/her place. You go but it’s the first date so sex isn’t really on your mind. This person has every intention to try and fuck you even though you clearly said no sex until the fifth date. Or, for example, people only hit you up to have sex because they don’t want to get to know you they only want to fuck you and leave you. Don’t you feel worthless and incapable of establishing and keeping a successful relationship? I mean, c’mon, not even your lover wanted to stay with you.

My point to these two topics are this: If you can’t put out, they leave right? And if you don’t put out then you can’t maintain or even get a relationship, right? Because this is a pattern I’m beginning to see quite frequently. You want sex but portray you’re wanting to establish a relationship; I want a relationship and hold off on sex but you leave because he is impatient? If this is what “love” is supposed to be then I would much rather be alone than to deal with this.

Just Another Page

I almost died once because I let it affect me; the obsession to be something, the infatuation to help others, the need to be wanted, the want to be needed—the want to be loved. I began to look for that rush, the pills, the blades, the burns….it was all so entrancing.

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We live on the cusp of death thinking ‘it won’t be us’- Macklemore

Do You Think Or Do You Know?

I am a walking contradiction, for I say one thing then do another. I admit that I am flawed, I admit that I have many of them–but if I don’t always show my flaws do people perceive me to believe I think I’m perfect? That’s a problem in our society, people think, we forget to know.¬†

How often do you change? Change is the drug we all seek, and even if you don’t condone change you still do it. We all change because our thoughts, our actions and perceptions are forever seeking more. Another problem with society, we are forever ungrateful and unsatisfied. So selfish we are as humans–but that is exactly my point. We are humans; you are, I am, your lover is. We are all humans and humans are designed to create flaws. Why? To learn. Do you like to learn? This goes back to my statement above, we forgot to “know” and just assume to “think“. Anybody can think but how many people know? How would you know unless you have flawed? How would you have flawed without change? How can you change if you think you don’t need to? Such a beautiful cycle is it not?

I have hurt people with my contradictions, mostly it was over petty things but I suppose the principle still remains. But I am changing, and even though I continue to change I am still a hypocrite because I say or  feel one thing one day but do another some other day. 

 

I suppose I should just keep to my silence and get over myself though, nobody likes a hypocrite to speak.

 

XO

Chemistry

“It wasn’t just a regular kiss, it was that intense kind where I straddled him and my hands get lost in his hair…”

More up later.

XO

Understanding The Feeling

As humans we place affection, care, and love up on such a tall¬†pedestal¬†, but why? We are the only mammals that require intimacy and affection in order to survive and we compile those feelings of closeness and affection and put it underneath the category called ‘love’. For years I felt something in me was missing but I couldn’t figure out what it was exactly. I knew I was jealous of people who had caring parents and I felt empty when people wouldn’t show me that same amount of affection; I now know that what I was missing was that affectionate care from my parents, but I didn’t necessarily classify it as ‘love‘. Love is the one emotion that has an interchangeable option; I knew my parents loved me, in some strange and dysfunctional way, but nonetheless I still knew. What I don’t quite understand is why I didn’t lump ‘love’ together with affection and care because even though I knew my parents loved me they didn’t show much affection and their care wasn’t deep. (dysfunctional thought for today ;))

As I grew older the feeling of ‘love’ was there because I have so much to give but not many people to give it to; then, my freshman year of college, I met my friends who I tested my love with. After realising that expressing my love and care wouldn’t hurt, and that they actually welcomed it with open arms, I began showing a deeper affection towards them. (You should have seen them when I hugged them willingly–priceless!) But it was only after opening up towards giving them affection and care and showing love did I make this link between the three; love is showing a deep and meaningful affection and presenting a solid and unconditional amount of care towards people, animals, objects, etc..¬†
You cannot have love without heartache though, yes? After becoming somewhat comfortable with this idea of love I wanted more; I wanted to have someone love me back just as much as I wanted to love them, and I was ready to share it. However, with love comes some sort of form of commitment, and since I am a settle-down type of individual it’s hard to find someone who matches my page. Though I am not officially¬†committed¬†to anyone I have attachments to some people who have earned my affections and other people who I have opened up to and the emotional bond there is unbreakable–therefore leading to a nagging, bothersome feeling on my part.¬†Love is thin, love is penetrable; love is the illusion I wanted to desperately feel in order to seem like I existed. This emotion makes people feel alive just as much as it makes people feel misery, and I definitely feel and understand why that is.

We need love. We crave love. We desire love; but obtaining it, in today’s society, is far harder than what it used to be sixty years ago.

Is it even worth the hunt anymore?

 

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