First post to this new year! Congrats to I? Haha! On to business, yes?
Over these past few weeks my mind has been on the go: thoughts of where I wanted to be- physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally- in life, what I value, where I need to go in order to achieve my goals of becoming the successful woman my Father has created for me to have, and who can help me get there. Now, this may not seem like too much thought, but stay with me and I shall explain myself (as always—detail oriented!)
Over the Christmas holiday I stayed with one of my best friends (which by the way I hope you all had a fairly pleasant one!), and staying with her gave me time to think. I thought a lot about where I, spiritually, wanted to be and where I needed to go to fulfill my spiritual self. While staying at my friend’s home church was a must, not that I disagreed with it, but I didn’t realise how much I really wanted to change myself until attending. It’s a Baptist, usually I deem myself to be a nondenominational, but figured to get my spiritual-fix the love of Jesus would still be felt the same, yes? Anywho–Once I stepped inside everyone greeted me with warmth and genuine love. The people were just beautiful, their ability to outreach to strangers and welcome them with such love just amazed me! I had never recieved that much love and welcome from a Baptist church before (and trust me I’ve had my share!) After the first session I had decided I wanted to get baptized at that church because it feels like home to me, it’s comfortable and relaxed and very nonjudgemental, especially in comparision to the other Baptist churches I’ve attended. This is what began my pushed along my spiritual journey, this is what gave me so many answers to the questions I had been too afraid to ask–I felt them. I’m not saying that this one church this one time has brought this along, nooooo I wasn’t THAT lucky! I’ve always been spiritually curious, jumped around from denomination to denomination trying to find my spiritual “home”, in search for some kind of answer to my multiple questions; this is another topic for another time though. After I left my friend’s home I found my peace and core without feeling I needed to sacrifice anything. This was a major step forward in the pursuit to my happiness.
In the midst of this spiritual awakening I began to think, “If I’m on this beautiful spiritual journey why do I still feel so melancholy on the inside?” Actually every other hour I found myself asking that question, but I had no reason to. I was in a more than loving home, no fighting, a great system of cooperation, unconditional affection and love, family time, and tons more of great and amazing things; and then it hit me–I’ve not ever loved myself. Being around negative energy your entire life can, ultimately, affect your psychological and sociological views later on in life. Many people go years, or their entire life, without realising how to change these feelings and outlooks into something beneficial for themselves. I’m beyond grateful that I had my spiritual side lead the emotional and mental side and show my brain that it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to take care of others just don’t forget to appreciate and love yourself as well. Not sure why that piece was missing for so long? After I accepted this and began to apply it, forgiving became so much easier! I can’t tell you how light I felt when seventeen years of weight was lifted away from my back and shoulders–it was amazing!
As for who I want/need in my life to help keep this strong mindset, that will be the difficult part I’m afraid. People come and go in my life—the ones who I feel can tolerate me the most end up despising me the deepest and we don’t end up being in each others’ lives anymore. For now I have four best friends and I pray that doesn’t change. I need all of the help I can get so I can give back to those who not only have helped me succeed, but to give to those who feel they is no hope for them. This is my goal for 2013—and to finally find a partner who will help me in the process. Too much to ask for?
This is the pursuit to my happiness.