Greetings all who still blog. I welcome thee.
Have you ever wondered why we don’t stay consistent, and why we need to change so often? For example, take an animal. Animals eat, they interact, bathe, reproduce, and survive, but they are wired to survival mode because of the way their limbic systems are aligned. They cannot formulate speech or talk to us (with the exceptions out there ;)), but other mammals are happy not wondering or thinking of an abstract way to live–they just live like they’re wired to. So why do humans, the only animals who need love to survive, change so often? I say this in terms of changing in a relationship of any sort, say a friendship or a romantic one for example. If we find someone whom we connect with and share common ground with then why must we allow life to change us and take away from the person we was when we first meet different people in our lives? (This will make sense-somewhat!-soon).
I went to the doctor today to find out what the hell is wrong with me. I’ve distanced myself from all of my friends and sunk so deeply into myself only to find this bare and empty shell of old memories. These memories were so dear to me because of who I was when these memories were created. Now I’m nothing like that girl, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve just let life completely change me even though I’ve been very aware of these changes. Here lately I don’t like who I am because I’ve allowed life to change me in ways that I’ve never thought possible. Am I the only one who has thought about this thing called life? The doctor finally gave me more pills to shove down my throat and sent me on my way, but there’s a nagging feeling that no matter what medicates me I’ll still feel like a shell of old memories. I’m always changing and I’ve grown apart from so many ideas, thoughts, desires, people, family, etc. all because I’ve let life change me. I’ve grown tired and rusty at connecting with people, and to be quite frank, it’s only gotten worse as the doctors fill my bloodstream up with generic pills. Pills run my life now, isn’t that some shit.
I’ve come to realize that I will never be able to understand how I got here. Why I’m here. Who’s here with me, or against me. Not many make an effort to connect with me anymore, show love and appreciation. So I distanced and I look back quite a bit (I’m the type that doesn’t easily let things slide–a blessing as well as a curse) and wonder why I let life change me. I don’t have the answers and no one is volunteering to fill in the fuzzy areas. So I fill my body up with pills that now claim this soul named Brittney because I’ve allowed life to change me. When does this ride stop?
Sometimes I hate having such emotions because I can’t even begin to explain the HALF of what I’m feeling right now–except a touch of sorrow. So here it is, I’ve just poured it up. Hope your glass isn’t half empty.