Pursuit to my happiness

Zinfandel Dreams

Hello all! 

There’s some things I need to get off my chest, if that’s okay with you all.

 

I’m not quite sure who all reads me ramble about whatever is on my universe at the time, but I do know that I need to make some confessions.  I’ve been thinking for a year and a half what I need to do to be a better person; everything I thought of I either was already doing or was in the porocess of doing. That was completely wrong, not to mention selfish. I thought I knew my friends and family, and even though the advice I was giving was practical and logical it didn’t quite attune to their needs. Humans are emotional creatures and emotions was something I did not quite understand–until January 15, 2013, the day I began to formally understand the more emotional side to my self. It got me thinking about my friendships and the friendships I had lost. I lost a dear friend named Meghan due to my inability to understand her side of why she was mad. i lost another friend because I couldn’t handle how she dealt with her flirtation. It wasn’t fair for me to just cut these women off and I did it because I thought they wouldn’t want to talk to me, because since I was disgusted with myself I thought they would be too.

[This will be a minute].

Anyway, I’ve been thinking what could I do to change that aspect about myself because, if I may be frank, that’s a very unattractive aspect about me: I cut people off when they hurt me and expect them to be so disgusted with me that they wouldn’t care what happens to me. But that’s the thing with people, they still care even after they’ve been hurt. 

Over the past year I’ve lost a lot of people out of my life, some for the better for my life and some still causes my heart to sink. Because of this I began alienating myself from what I knew to be society and sank into a very dark depression; I was suicidal quite a bit and quite often because I didn’t feel like anybody loved me or cared about me anymore, there was a lot of drama in my life, my grades were poor, and my mind felt cloudy. My world felt like the foundation, the core of my very existence, was crumbling right beneath my feet and it felt like people were just watching it happen. Honestly, that is why I got so depressed, I felt like even though I was sinking nobody cared enough to pull me up, even after all of the things I’ve helped others with. I felt alone and my God I was so angry–not anyone in particular, I was just angry all the time and really resentful. 

[Bear with me].

I stayed with my sister over the Christmas holiday and spent a lot of time with my family, my dysfunctionally painful family, and it was then when I realized that I can’t be angry at people who don’t know what they’ve done wrong to hurt me–even if it was unintentional. So I began to heal for the very first time in my life, and my boyfriend has been my stable rock throughout the entire process. He’s helped me in ways that my friends never seemed to be able to, they enabled me, in a way, to keep behaving depressed and suicidal because they didn’t know how to help me. Shit, I didn’t know how to help me! 

[There’s a point to this zinfandel dream, promise].

So I sip on my wine and I contemplate how I’ve gotten to where I am. Through hard work, through the many people coming in and out of my life, and because of the people who love me–that’s how I got here. So, basically, if I’ve harmed you in some way I’m here to apologize and I’m looking for ways to contact those I’ve lost contact with because I’ve cut them off. It’s time for me to be the person I’m destined to be.

 

XO,

B

 

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