Whoa, it’s been ages since I’ve posted in this thing! The inspiration to vent or write online just hasn’t tickled my fancy, until now anyway. (I’m supposed to be doing homework–go figure).
There has been so much that’s happened in my life since the last post, but I’m not here to catch you up I’m here to tell you all how I need to forgive a LOT of people.
I thought I had the capacity to love everyone, to be there for the ones I care about unconditionally and undividedly; turns out, I was doing a shitty job of that. I was only half-listening all these years because I still had a part of my “armor” (defenses) on. I wore them everywhere. I wore them when meeting my friends freshman year of college, and even before then! Hell, for as far back as my memory can recall it’s just been us–my armor and I.
That had to go.
Since getting with my boyfriend I’ve realised just how much I still needed to do for the people I love, including making time to love myself. I didn’t know what love was because my home-life didn’t include love, affection or positive emotions, so I was basically doing the best I could with what I had to work with. I still held dearly what people did to hurt me, therefore not allowing them to see “me”. I’ve lost many friends over this, and I want to apologize to you for not being able to see what I was doing wrong. I see it now, and I hate it’s too late, but I’ve learned to let go of that armor. I’ve learned to let go of the pain you made me feel, the words that stung so badly, and the internal damage I’ve wrecked upon myself.
I still love you all, that will never change.
But learning to let go of my defenses has also helped me forgive myself, too. I beat myself up to the point where I’m unrecognisable to myself, and that isn’t fair to the ones who love and care about me. I’m getting better at it, I’m my biggest challenge yet, but within time I will be healthy for the first time in my life. No more temporary fixes, no more beating myself up and defending myself when there is no need for defenses. I’m just me.
When you meet me now you will only see the real me.
“What you see is what you get”