Pursuit to my happiness

Archive for December, 2012

Day (374) – The Moment

The Better Man Project ™

The moment you become embarrassed of who you are, you lose yourself. I changed my house, the way I dressed, the way I ate – for what? For nothing

– Reuben, Oceans 13

It took me 23 years to learn this lesson, and today I finally learned it in full. The minute you become ashamed of who you are, what you believe…you lose yourself. You lose everything. You start acting differently, you dress differently, you change what it is to be you down to your core. Never be embarrassed of who you are and what you represent.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking about this really interesting concept. It is about what it takes to live happily in the world and with others around you. I spent, once again, 23 years of my life reacting to what other people want, what they think I should be…

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Something Worth Evaluation

To all, hello (:

I had a dream last night that I had come across someone I once knew; he stood right in front of me and he was naked, his eyes stayed on mine and his body language was quite vulnerable. He did not speak, which at first I found to be weird, until I looked into his eyes–they were screaming with pain and uncertainty mixed with sadness and need. It was terrifying how easy I was able to see his emotions as he stood stark naked in front of me, and then the thought hit me–he’s naked because he’s bare, he has nothing to hide and he’s vulnerable. He’s lost. 

This man that I once knew just kept staring at me, his eyes were begging me to help him, but every time I reach out towards him he does not move. It began to frustrate me because even though his eyes were screaming for help his body did not move. His stature did not move. Remembering this dream still gives me the chills because as much as I tried to help the more his eyes screamed. 

Somebody out there needs me despite the individual, this dream wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t need to help someone. This dream is something actually worth evaluating. Hmmm…



Relationship Endeavors

Hello all!

I come to you with, yes you have guessed it, even more contemplative thoughts that seem to constantly float around my mind. I don’t want to ask these questions to anyone specifically in case they grow tired or annoyed at me–with this you choose to read it. I’ve trapped you 😉

Topic: Dating

For a moment think of someone whom you cannot live without; that closeness, the memories, those intimate secrets and feelings. Revel in that feeling, hold it close–now imagine if that person just left. No words, no goodbyes, and no warning you wouldn’t see this person again. Heartbreaking isn’t it? Stay with me for a little longer. Now imagine that you’re tired of waiting for this person and assume you want to try (try is the word of emphasis here) and move on from this person who abandoned you. Say you meet a few people, all of which have a certain charm to them but it isn’t quite what you’re looking for. Two people admire you physically–so physically you begin to think that they’re only around in case you decide to fuck him/her. The other two are shy and you share a somewhat deep emotional bond with but their mentality isn’t on the level you desire. So your pickiness has left you alone–that same empty feeling that reminds you of the day your loved one up and left. Yes, you feel quite lonely and empty, but you’re picky with your who you decide to give your heart to because you can’t afford another heartbreak. So you figure why not wait for the person to return? I mean, hell, you love him/her still so why not? Then you find out the person you’ve been waiting on has given up on you. Now I may ask: What do you do now that you’re all alone because no one seems to fit your seemingly high criteria?

Topic: Sex

Let’s have another rhetoric situation shall we? You find someone, a nice someone, and this someone is a decent distraction from your broken heart. You go on a date, this person is affectionate–really, really affectionate, and wants you to go back to his/her place. You go but it’s the first date so sex isn’t really on your mind. This person has every intention to try and fuck you even though you clearly said no sex until the fifth date. Or, for example, people only hit you up to have sex because they don’t want to get to know you they only want to fuck you and leave you. Don’t you feel worthless and incapable of establishing and keeping a successful relationship? I mean, c’mon, not even your lover wanted to stay with you.

My point to these two topics are this: If you can’t put out, they leave right? And if you don’t put out then you can’t maintain or even get a relationship, right? Because this is a pattern I’m beginning to see quite frequently. You want sex but portray you’re wanting to establish a relationship; I want a relationship and hold off on sex but you leave because he is impatient? If this is what “love” is supposed to be then I would much rather be alone than to deal with this.

Day (366) – Smiles

The Better Man Project ™


Our true happiness doesn’t come from grades, from winning, from beating someone at something, from playing a game better, or any of those other things the world claims brings satisfaction. Our happiness comes from staying true to ourselves.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

 – E.E. Cummings.

Cummings has it right, this world tries to change us into something mediocre the best it can. It brings temptation, the things we know we don’t want in life, and makes us think twice about the things we have. It causes us to speculate about what will happen, and what’s out of our control. It tries to mold us into a plain version of everybody else. But if we really want to…

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Late Night Thoughts

Hello all? Hi? 
Anyone up at such an hour? This stuffy nose is devilishly keeping my mind cranking.


Ever thought about what you want your life to be like? Who do you want to be in it? Where would you like to be? Who would you prefer to become? What do you want to accomplish? How would you want to spend the rest of your days? I’ve come to realise that at some point this is exactly what I wanted; I wanted to be someone who helped people, I wanted to do research and be happy with finding solutions. I wanted to chase someone who is worth the chase, I wanted a hand full of friends that I know I can count on, I want my siblings to have a beautiful relationship with me, etc., but for some reason today I didn’t feel like this was ‘enough’.

I talked with a good friend of mine, Will, and we talked about our philosophies on life. He said that life is a journey so why would you want to suffer through such a scenic and beautiful path? I agreed with him; Life is a journey. Life is this clusterfuck of emotions, memories, laughs, cries, love, pain, contentment, happiness, depression, passion, sex, intimacy, and a whole lot more–so why wouldn’t you want to choose who and what goes on your journey to make your experience beautiful? It was only moments ago that I realised that I love my life. Today could have been the worst day ever due to car accidents, stress, work, sleep deprivation, sickness, and an empty feeling, but instead I realise that it’s all just a part of life’s journey. I have loyal and amazing friends who make me smile on a day to day basis and I LOVE smiling. I have three or four families I know I can count on if I need something. I am blessed enough to forgive people I’ve hated from years ago. I have the ideal man in my head and I know he exists. I have a dog who gives me kisses! Who doesn’t like dog kisses???? I have a brain that I’m content with and a body I’m beginning to love–even with the self-inflicted scars. 

The point to these fragmented paragraphs are this: I know you know we know where you want to be, so let me help you get there.


Just Another Page

I almost died once because I let it affect me; the obsession to be something, the infatuation to help others, the need to be wanted, the want to be needed—the want to be loved. I began to look for that rush, the pills, the blades, the burns….it was all so entrancing.

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We live on the cusp of death thinking ‘it won’t be us’- Macklemore

Life Outside Of Sexual Attraction

Har Har all! 

A few things on the universe lately, and of course it pertains to those things that are sexual (it wouldn’t be so entertaining if it were something else, yeah? ;)) 

Sex. It’s something we all have, at some point, thought about, and/or engaged in; whether it be with yourself, a partner, or maybe even a couple of partners (for those with a wilder streak?) But why do some people place this act up on such urgent priority? I can understand the need to feel close to someone and the intimate details that sex involves, but can’t the closeness and the euphoria of sex be received from cuddling or maybe even sensual touch? 

What would happen if the urgency for sex was taken out of the equation, what would remain? Can you have a relationship without sex? If you can’t, ask yourself what it is about sex, other than it obviously feels good, that you can’t do without. 

I understand that sex is a natural process humans feel, but what I don’t understand is why people put such a high regard for it. I suppose this is the part where I should say “people have individual needs and wants” ? 

Random discussions with people leads to random blog posts. 


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