Pursuit to my happiness

Understanding The Feeling

As humans we place affection, care, and love up on such a tall pedestal , but why? We are the only mammals that require intimacy and affection in order to survive and we compile those feelings of closeness and affection and put it underneath the category called ‘love’. For years I felt something in me was missing but I couldn’t figure out what it was exactly. I knew I was jealous of people who had caring parents and I felt empty when people wouldn’t show me that same amount of affection; I now know that what I was missing was that affectionate care from my parents, but I didn’t necessarily classify it as ‘love‘. Love is the one emotion that has an interchangeable option; I knew my parents loved me, in some strange and dysfunctional way, but nonetheless I still knew. What I don’t quite understand is why I didn’t lump ‘love’ together with affection and care because even though I knew my parents loved me they didn’t show much affection and their care wasn’t deep. (dysfunctional thought for today ;))

As I grew older the feeling of ‘love’ was there because I have so much to give but not many people to give it to; then, my freshman year of college, I met my friends who I tested my love with. After realising that expressing my love and care wouldn’t hurt, and that they actually welcomed it with open arms, I began showing a deeper affection towards them. (You should have seen them when I hugged them willingly–priceless!) But it was only after opening up towards giving them affection and care and showing love did I make this link between the three; love is showing a deep and meaningful affection and presenting a solid and unconditional amount of care towards people, animals, objects, etc.. 
You cannot have love without heartache though, yes? After becoming somewhat comfortable with this idea of love I wanted more; I wanted to have someone love me back just as much as I wanted to love them, and I was ready to share it. However, with love comes some sort of form of commitment, and since I am a settle-down type of individual it’s hard to find someone who matches my page. Though I am not officially committed to anyone I have attachments to some people who have earned my affections and other people who I have opened up to and the emotional bond there is unbreakable–therefore leading to a nagging, bothersome feeling on my part. Love is thin, love is penetrable; love is the illusion I wanted to desperately feel in order to seem like I existed. This emotion makes people feel alive just as much as it makes people feel misery, and I definitely feel and understand why that is.

We need love. We crave love. We desire love; but obtaining it, in today’s society, is far harder than what it used to be sixty years ago.

Is it even worth the hunt anymore?



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