Pursuit to my happiness

This isn’t anything in specific, just random thoughts that are on my mind as of right now. First, I don’t understand how someone can say that you’re lazy when you’ve been doing nothing but looking for a job and trying to please everyone. Of course nobody is happy when that route is taken. I’m disappointed in myself. Why? Because I’m a failure of a friend, a daughter, a student, a niece, and sister. My uncle has been giving me those “eyes of disappointment” ever since he’s found out about my low GPA, I’m not even flunking. I have a D average…but I’ve never been good at school. This is what hits me th hardest; my mother tried to protect me without any sort of organised plan of action by saying, “She’s always been bad at school, did you really expect her to do any better now?” I may be overthinking this, but my intuition is telling me I’m not. How am I supposed to have any kind of confidence when she pretty  much just said I’ll never be able to aim for anything high in my life because I can only achieve the lowest amount of achievements given? I know she means well, but thanks mom for giving me the reassurance I’m not only a fuck up in this life, but I’ll never be able to achieve any of my dreams all because I’m not “capable” of doing so. See how that links the daughter, student, and niece together?

I’m a failure of a sister, ultimately. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to get my grades sorted out, my confused heart tangle-free from some guy I’m attached to who lives in Florida, all while trying to burst beneath the pressure, that I’ve almost completely  ignored what my brothers and sisters are going through. My home life is horrible, I don’t want to talk about it because every time I do I seem to cry…and I’m tired of crying. My sister Krista doesn’t feel appreciated because she’s stressed, my brother Brandon doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life, my sister Makayla is acting out and already getting in to the wrong crowds while my mother allows her to get away with pretty much every thing. But, my little brother, DonTae, has been the one who’s kept me together. He’s autistic, the most amazing and sarcastic little ball of joy in my life and I don’t think I’d be where I am without his help to drive me. All of my siblings have helped driven me in some way; Krista gives me mental support, Brandon gives me emotional strength, DonTae gave me life, and Makayla gives me that refreshing breath of air, even though she can be annoying, and it feels I’ve not given not one thing in return for helping me. For that, I’m a fuck up of a sister.

For all of my friends I’ve not been a very good one I think. It seems I’ve neglected them when they have needed me because I was drowning myself in my family problems. I wasn’t an ear when they need it, the shoulder when they needed it, nor the strength if they were to require it. Every one of my friends have a different purpose in my life but they all end up on the same road. If that makes sense. It feels like I have failed you all…all because my priorities are off. For that I hope you can find a way to forgive me, though I don’t deserve it.

 

Revolve around yourself just like an ordinary man…does it feel like we’ve never been alive? Does it seem like it’s only just begun? -30 Seconds To Mars

Those are my random bouts of useless oxygen, now if you excuse me I’m going to go wallow in self-pity.

 

Please don’t turn out to be like me. 

XO

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