Pursuit to my happiness

One week of anticipation, hurt, excitement, happiness, and disappointments have passed me by. Or so I thought. It was a hell of an emotional trip that you have taken me on so far, but in the end I have learned something from this journey. You have created a deep passion within me that I cannot rid of, I cannot shake nor would I ever want to shake off. You have given me a sense of belonging.

In the beginning it was all about the typical plot line; guy meets girl, guy likes girl, but can’t pursue the girl because his past is holding him back. Is it still worth pursuing? Do you let this wondrous human being leave your life, or do you make a hell of an impression and cause her to always have you on her mind? Yes, although leaving probably would have been the more logical thing to do, you decide to go with your heart and leave a deep impression upon the seemingly unimpressive girl. What does she do? She follows your plan; and this is how the story started.

After conversing off and on for more than a year I’ve decided that distance has done nothing more than irritate me. Knowing there’s an opportunity somewhere I could be taking annoys me more than anything else–but I cannot take it, for our bodies are too far apart and our lives do not give us the time to connect as often as we would like. So I wait. 

My mother told me to never wait for a man, never give him a thing. Just look at him, smile, maybe even fuck him, but never get intimate with just one man. For the longest I listened to her, but over time I realised that only hurts innocent good men. Although I told myself I would not wait for another man in my life, after the last one, I have found myself reserving plenty of myself for you. It sounds so doormat of me to say, but I am a picky woman and I wait for what I want. 

Some time between our last conversation to last week we have bonded more than what we have. I had the illusion that we would actually meet; my mind told me not to believe my heart but my heart so deeply wanted to believe I would see you. My mind was right, as always, and after the first three days of getting my hopes worked up disappointment began to settle in to my heart. But every time I would talk to you there my hope would spring and my heart would flutter. Sort of. I had given up on seeing you; every time we would try to initiate plans my hope would spike that much more, then disappointment would soon follow. We would text, but texting only gets me so far. It is impersonal, there isn’t any emotions behind words on a screen. Then one day you called me. I cannot tell you what happened inside of me…it was just so nice to hear your voice again. Of course we kept it light, with a mixture of weird sentences and constant hints that we missed one another, and ever since that day you have been asking how I’ve been.

It’s strange how my disappointment led me to this conclusion. After an entire week of being let down and getting my hopes worked up I came to the conclusion that I should not be sad over you. I should not be sad that I did not get the chance to hug you or do the weird things I had in mind, I am happy that after all of the motions we went through I am so glad you called. It is unfortunate that we could not hang out, but there will be other days. The more important issue is I heard you. I heard that you were anxious, happy and excited to talk to me and I felt your sadness when you would hint you missed me. I felt you and I heard you. For now, I am perfectly fine with that. I know distance can do weird things to people, I know distance can make people do weird things, but I know that distance also makes the heart grow fonder. I am not sure how much fonder my heart can get though…it’s pretty freakin’ big.

I need to clip my nails.

Here’s your story, it’s our journey.

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