Pursuit to my happiness

I Drink My Coffee Black

Hello all!

To those who share a like-minded universe this should be a treat! You know as I get older I feel myself grow out from old ways and old traditions, and I’m reaching out for newer, better experiences. Take coffee for example. I used to despise it, the buttery black liquid in my mug as my aunt would tell me its the only way I will lose weight and look attractive–to stop eating and begin downing this bitter drink. As time passed my love for coffee grew too. I drink it black. Something about drinking the black bitterness makes me warm and hyper focused, and it’s not just the caffeine. They say those who prefer their coffee without cream and sugar hold a certain type of personality, a specific kind of mindset. Maybe it’s folkways, but to man extent it holds some truth. I have grown to see how far I have come, coffee intake and all, since moving out from my parents almost five and a half years ago, but sometimes I can still feel her–the old her, the naïve her. My innermost childlike state of self will always be a part of me, a part of all of us regardless how much time seems to pass us by.

They say if you drink your coffee black you are a black and white thinker, that silliness and mess are usually not so indistinguishable from playful, and you are more serious-minded. Or suppose you are ‘supposed ‘to be. One thing about drinking coffee without the cream and without the mountain of sugar is there is no extra supplies, and it is pure, wholesome blackness. Some lose themselves in the blackness by losing their playfulness, but as I get older I realize that is not how one should grow up–too serious. Erich Fromm wrote “The decisive point is not what is thought but how it is thought‘, and it is absolutely true.

Deciding if you ant cream, sugar, or neither in your coffee is okay because no matter what they say about your personality, only you hold the true knowledge on whether you believe the generalized other. Five years ago I would have said I believe what they say about the black liquid, but I know far more about how their misconceptions do not have to shape me if I don’t see it to be a good fit. In other words, you can make your decisions about anything you please, but how you arrive at your destination is what truly matters. Take Emerson’s words, take the road less traveled and see how much more value you find instead.

And no, this is not just about coffee.



So far I’ve experienced those things. Interesting to see when life comes back full circle.

Dark, Twisty Places

Hello all! Welcome back to the inside of my universe.

Allow me to vent for a little…on sliding back into the soul.

My soul has been full lately, and with great reason! I’ve visited family, had a chat with a close friend or so, my love life has been great…but lately the emotional toll that I hold back, the negativity I hold on to, has weighed down my soul. It’s in quite a dark place, a dark and twisty place.

Being around folks that require more energy than most do not bother me, however it is their negative energy they give me in return that is the most draining. Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel disconnected from your own emotions because you’re holding together the negative energy that eats away at you? I fall apart when I enter this dark, twisty place–and no one notices. I like to fall apart in the comfort of my own judgmental sorrow.

What do you do when you have nothing left in your soul to give, except the negative energy you’ve held on to for so long? As I fall apart I have to remember that I’m also putting myself together too…..all within time.

“Good things come to those who wait”,


Life As An Empath

Greetings all! Welcome to my UNI-verse. 


Do you ever feel like you have a large emotional work load? Are you exhausted after being around a lot of people, or just from specific people? Can you feel their energy through your body and mistake it to be your own energy? If you answered yes then chances are you are an empath. 

It’s hard to be an empath. For my experience I’ve realized those I value most are the ones that drain me the most–but it’s only when s/he is in a “dark place”. If I see someone I know is in any sort of pain I absorb their energy and slowly ingest it into my soul until that person’s dark place is over–and then I experience the dark place. Dark places for me isn’t just like any kind of dark place, it sends me to awful places in my mind. The distance I create with others and the silence of my lips clearly shows I’m not in my place. Yesterday my significant other was in a very dark place, and had been most of the day. I was silent as I watched him, felt him, and surely absorbed his energy before establishing a distance between me and the rest of the world. My usual chatty self hasn’t spoken a word since the last time I asked if he was okay; however, he finally opened up to me about why he was in a dark place. 

It was tragic to feel just how hurt he was, and the tribulations that have onset to me was now embedded in my soul. Tagging me. Nagging me to rid of his sorrow and hold it for him. To destroy it for him. When it comes to my significant other all other rules I have vanish–he’s my exception to the rule, and everything else goes out the window. I could feel the pain and anguish of the memory he later described to me in such a vivid detail it made me stop breathing for a moment. I never knew this person he was talking about, never knew she existed until last night, but I felt her. I could feel his friend’s pain as she struggled for her last breath before someone had taken it for her. This feeling made my world grow black and the pain sucked me right back into that cyclical black hole. 

It pains me knowing the strength of the powerful negative emotions I feel from people, close or stranger, will always affect me. I have yet to establish strong boundaries to keep my energy from depleting and solely running off the strong and pained energy of others. It’s cyclical and destructive. How do you stop? For years the more I ask this question the deeper my empathy runs; kind of counterproductive, eh? 

Is there anyone else like me?




“It is a time to rejoice, for love is in the air,” the handsome man types” At least it is for me and my new lady. My name is Nathan, and I believe love comes with boundaries,” He takes the time to furrow his thick brown brows before rubbing his tired face. Nathan looks at his reflection and studies the new features on his face. He makes note of the worry lines pressing into his forehead and the forever-tired look on his face, despite how many long evenings he has spent in his bed. “Our bed” he corrects silently before sighing away his pain. He erases the entry and stares at a blank screen trying to make the feelings in his head come to fruition. “My name is not important. All you must know about me is that I don’t know what love is, and quite frankly I’m not sure if the love I have is satisfying enough”. Nathan takes a deep breath, his mind travels back to when he first met his lady friend Nochelle.

Nathan is from Mobile, Alabama and has graduated from the University of Alabama with his doctorate in Social Psychology. He works from home working for his own medical journal that studies close personal relationships and publishes his findings in the journal, and this week his new burning topic is to use the knowledge he acquired from school and apply it to his own life. He met Nochelle at a weekend conference in Atlanta where he quickly discovers Nochelle earned her doctorate degree in New York where she was born and raised to become an Anthropologist. After a few sweet words on Nathan’s part and Nochelle’s sultry sex appeal the two quickly become an exclusive item; however, within the first year and a half of being together Nathan begins to see a slight disintegration in the relationship. Desperate, he tries everything he could think of to help “fix” the relationship: he takes time off from work and they vacate to the Caribbean where he showers the love of his life with unforgettable gifts, dinners, and mostly of all–the love they made on the trip was unlike any other time before. It was filled with passion, hunger, vulnerability, love, and curiosity. This did not bother Nathan, until the couple return to their home in Manhattan and the relationship takes a turn.

“I noticed other people staring in envy,” he continues to type “the way she moved, so confident and cool. Hell, I was envious! How could the woman I’m with provide so much warmth and confidence when I feel empty and distant?” After the return Nochelle tries her hand at helping her man regain his confidence in the relationship. She takes off work and stays home to care for him, but the more she tried the more overbearing she came off. “So I stopped touching her,” he admits with pain welting in his eyes “and I stopped loving her. I knew she has abandonment and neglect issues. I knew she needed my touch as affirmation, but to be honest I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, and it was killing me. I felt smothered to the point where her love just looked like I needed to father her, to coddle her. So I take a solo trip to my mother’s house in Mobile for two weeks. This is when things began to spin uncontrollably”. Nathan admits that he loves Nochelle and he even goes to see a therapist in Birmingham, but the discovery leads him to more than he had anticipated. “In the first interview my therapist asked me what I thought makes Nochelle loyal to me. I found this to be an odd question,” he smirks as he recalls the memory that replays in his mind “but I told him I think it’s our intimacy. When he asked what I considered to be intimate I told him in grave detail: She wants me to touch her everywhere, especially on the arms and around her ribcage because they’re so sensitive and she claims she can feel me. Then he asks me the strangest thing,” Nathan pauses and bites his full pink lips as he considers revealing the rawest question of his whole experience. He pours himself a glass of Scotch and waits to gather enough liquid courage to continue his project. “He asked me if I like to touch my partner, and I said of course! Then he asks why I had said ‘she wants me to touch her’ instead of ‘I love to touch her’. To be honest I could not give him an appropriate answer because, in all actuality, I despised touching Nochelle. She needs my touch, she’s so damaged and twisted because of her abandonment and neglect issues that there’s a lot of tough scar tissue to get around. So I don’t touch her. When he asked me why I don’t like to touch my significant other I told him flat ‘Because the thought of someone needed someone else’s touch so she can feel whole makes me sick.’. The words came out before I had time to stop myself, and…” Nathan pours his third glass of Scotch and downs the beverage savagely before clenching his fist around the glass. “No excuses” he tells himself out loud before repositioning his fingers on the keyboard again. “The next session the therapist opens the discussion by asking if I love Nochelle, and I said of course I do. He then asks if I am in love with her. I freeze. I tell him how all of my other relationships failed because I gave more than I received, that the women in my past have scarred me and I don’t need Nochelle to touch me to feel her love. He looked at me, his grey eyes are cold and mean, but he never dared to look away from me as he said ‘You will never be satisfied. She has given her all to try and love you, and the only thing you can focus on is that she’s special? What kind of a jackass does that?’ His voice was so stern, his tone was dead and serious, you know like how your parents did when they catch you stealing money from their wallet. At that moment I realized no matter how I receive love from Nochelle it will never be enough”.

There are three key elements for a relationship to be successful: passion, commitment, and love. You can add honest, communication, and faith if you prefer, but I like to keep it to the basics. How one receives love is important because both partners must be on the same page and they also must check in with one another to make sure they are on the same page. Love is beautiful, passion is intense, and commitment is sexy, but leaving one ingredient out of the recipe doesn’t make it the recipe anymore–it creates a dull disaster. If you ever feel you’re doing something for someone because they like it and you don’t recieve reciprocation, maybe it’s time to get on the same page.

Then I see your face I know I’m finally yours…you call my name, I come to you in pieces so you can make me whole






Pour It Up

Greetings all who still blog. I welcome thee.


Have you ever wondered why we don’t stay consistent, and why we need to change so often? For example, take an animal. Animals eat, they interact, bathe, reproduce, and survive, but they are wired to survival mode because of the way their limbic systems are aligned. They cannot formulate speech or talk to us (with the exceptions out there ;)), but other mammals are happy not wondering or thinking of an abstract way to live–they just live like they’re wired to. So why do humans, the only animals who need love to survive, change so often? I say this in terms of changing in a relationship of any sort, say a friendship or a romantic one for example. If we find someone whom we connect with and share common ground with then why must we allow life to change us and take away from the person we was when we first meet different people in our lives? (This will make sense-somewhat!-soon).

I went to the doctor today to find out what the hell is wrong with me. I’ve distanced myself from all of my friends and sunk so deeply into myself only to find this bare and empty shell of old memories. These memories were so dear to me because of who I was when these memories were created. Now I’m nothing like that girl, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve just let life completely change me even though I’ve been very aware of these changes. Here lately I don’t like who I am because I’ve allowed life to change me in ways that I’ve never thought possible. Am I the only one who has thought about this thing called life? The doctor finally gave me more pills to shove down my throat and sent me on my way, but there’s a nagging feeling that no matter what medicates me I’ll still feel like a shell of old memories. I’m always changing and I’ve grown apart from so many ideas, thoughts, desires, people, family, etc. all because I’ve let life change me. I’ve grown tired and rusty at connecting with people, and to be quite frank, it’s only gotten worse as the doctors fill my bloodstream up with generic pills. Pills run my life now, isn’t that some shit.

I’ve come to realize that I will never be able to understand how I got here. Why I’m here. Who’s here with me, or against me. Not many make an effort to connect with me anymore, show love and appreciation. So I distanced and I look back quite a bit (I’m the type that doesn’t easily let things slide–a blessing as well as a curse) and wonder why I let life change me. I don’t have the answers and no one is volunteering to fill in the fuzzy areas. So I fill my body up with pills that now claim this soul named Brittney because I’ve allowed life to change me. When does this ride stop?

Sometimes I hate having such emotions because I can’t even begin to explain the HALF of what I’m feeling right now–except a touch of sorrow. So here it is, I’ve just poured it up. Hope your glass isn’t half empty.




Vessels of Vision


Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.

~ Marianne Williamson

Artist: Jessica Swift

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Ahmad Al Charif

wake up - ahmad al charif blog

Who are we really? Or more accurately, what are we?


Scientifically speaking, you start with the body, we are

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Zinfandel Dreams

Hello all! 

There’s some things I need to get off my chest, if that’s okay with you all.


I’m not quite sure who all reads me ramble about whatever is on my universe at the time, but I do know that I need to make some confessions.  I’ve been thinking for a year and a half what I need to do to be a better person; everything I thought of I either was already doing or was in the porocess of doing. That was completely wrong, not to mention selfish. I thought I knew my friends and family, and even though the advice I was giving was practical and logical it didn’t quite attune to their needs. Humans are emotional creatures and emotions was something I did not quite understand–until January 15, 2013, the day I began to formally understand the more emotional side to my self. It got me thinking about my friendships and the friendships I had lost. I lost a dear friend named Meghan due to my inability to understand her side of why she was mad. i lost another friend because I couldn’t handle how she dealt with her flirtation. It wasn’t fair for me to just cut these women off and I did it because I thought they wouldn’t want to talk to me, because since I was disgusted with myself I thought they would be too.

[This will be a minute].

Anyway, I’ve been thinking what could I do to change that aspect about myself because, if I may be frank, that’s a very unattractive aspect about me: I cut people off when they hurt me and expect them to be so disgusted with me that they wouldn’t care what happens to me. But that’s the thing with people, they still care even after they’ve been hurt. 

Over the past year I’ve lost a lot of people out of my life, some for the better for my life and some still causes my heart to sink. Because of this I began alienating myself from what I knew to be society and sank into a very dark depression; I was suicidal quite a bit and quite often because I didn’t feel like anybody loved me or cared about me anymore, there was a lot of drama in my life, my grades were poor, and my mind felt cloudy. My world felt like the foundation, the core of my very existence, was crumbling right beneath my feet and it felt like people were just watching it happen. Honestly, that is why I got so depressed, I felt like even though I was sinking nobody cared enough to pull me up, even after all of the things I’ve helped others with. I felt alone and my God I was so angry–not anyone in particular, I was just angry all the time and really resentful. 

[Bear with me].

I stayed with my sister over the Christmas holiday and spent a lot of time with my family, my dysfunctionally painful family, and it was then when I realized that I can’t be angry at people who don’t know what they’ve done wrong to hurt me–even if it was unintentional. So I began to heal for the very first time in my life, and my boyfriend has been my stable rock throughout the entire process. He’s helped me in ways that my friends never seemed to be able to, they enabled me, in a way, to keep behaving depressed and suicidal because they didn’t know how to help me. Shit, I didn’t know how to help me! 

[There’s a point to this zinfandel dream, promise].

So I sip on my wine and I contemplate how I’ve gotten to where I am. Through hard work, through the many people coming in and out of my life, and because of the people who love me–that’s how I got here. So, basically, if I’ve harmed you in some way I’m here to apologize and I’m looking for ways to contact those I’ve lost contact with because I’ve cut them off. It’s time for me to be the person I’m destined to be.





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